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VOLUME CONTROL
NEWSLETTERS
AUGUST 05
SEPTEMBER 05
OCTOBER 05
KEEP THE VOLUME DOWN ON THIS
SEPTEMBER 24
Last night a DJ saved another one from strife:
Eyewitnesses were shocked on Saturday night to see one of Volume’s favourite
residents have to enter the booth to rescue another of Volume’s favourite
residents from one of the boldest gurners in Volume history. According to
reliable sources with dazzling haute couture and voluptuous hair, what started
out as a simple and mutually polite ‘DJ to punter’ choon request exchange
quickly turned into an inexplicable and completely unauthorised storming of the
booth. A booth invasion, if you will. “The DJ and the punter were both smiling
at the beginning of their chat and all seemed normal”, said one bemused Volumite.
“But then the punter started trying to touch equipment and was clearly crossing
boundaries without care or consideration for consequences – I turned away for a
second but when I looked back, things were even worse … he’d managed to climb
his way into the booth from the back without the DJ knowing … it was completely
bizarre!” Thankfully for all concerned, ‘bizarre’ is the harmless way this
‘strange but true’ story panned out, too … “One of the other DJ’s was having a
boogie with his girl on the floor, saw what was going on, and made for the booth
quicker than a kid for a decorated tree on Christmas Day”, said another cute and
reliable onlooker. “He must have had a copy of ‘the Jedi Mind Trick For Dummies’
in his back pocket, or something, cos’ he sorted the guy out calmly and verbally
in a matter of nano-seconds flat”. All’s well that ends well: the harassed DJ
didn’t drop a single beat and the crusading one didn’t drop a single bead of
beer … as for the gurner with a serious case of booth envy? He was last seen
behind the counter of 7-11 at 7am getting his own packet of cigarettes and
debating his actions with the shopkeeper …
OCTOBER 1
He ain’t
heavy, he’s one of my cousins … or, is he?
Eyewitnesses were astounded at the number of cousins that one of Volume’s Main
Room choon-chuckers appears to have, after a parade of them constantly entered
and exited the booth for the duration of his set on Saturday night – ‘appears to
have’ being the operative words, mind you! Short, tall, old, young, fat, thin …
you name it, they were there on hand en masse, and every one them touted
themselves as one of the jock’s ‘cousins’ to blag their way onto main stage, no
less. “I had no idea someone could have so many cousins”, said one witness, with
legs like Paris H and a strikingly similar behind. “I was dancing near the
entrance to the DJ booth and all I could hear were people saying ‘I’m his cousin
mate, I’m family, it’s cool’ before rocking onto the stage. I didn’t really take
much notice until about the fifth person did it, but after the twentieth I was
astounded”. However, in a twist worthy of any re-run episode of Diagnosis
Murder, sources close to Volume Control have since revealed that not
everybody was in fact ‘family’ – turns out at least ten of the booth-hangers
throughout the set in question were in fact a mixture of ‘old school friends’,
‘old clubbing buddies’, ‘old school friends of old clubbing buddies’, and (our
favourite) … ‘old school friends of old clubbing buddies whose cousins were old
school friends with even older clubbing buddies’. Look out if this spinner has a
birthday bash at Volume any time soon … rumour has it there will be no general
admission and three door charges that night: Cousins $10, Old Clubbing Buddies
$15, and Old School Friends $20 (or $15 upon presentation of specific High
School Yearbook).
OCTOBER 8
“I, the
undersigned, hereby confirm that the person presenting this Victorian Police
document is eighteen years of age and ready to do some serious rocking at
Room680”: Proving one’s identification can be a
troubling exercise at the best of times, but imagine turning eighteen and not
being able to prove it – simply because you haven’t got a driver’s license and
the Keypass office is located miles away and open at obscure hours. Eyewitnesses
in Volume’s stunningly beautiful and vivacious queue on Saturday night were both
stunned and impressed by how a young girl in the predicament outlined above,
managed to overcome all odds in the face of such adversity. “This cute young
girl approached the door staff and told them that she had turned eighteen that
day but couldn’t prove it”, said one onlooker with fantastic new tight Lee jeans
and a Summer 2006 Sass and Bide release printed tee. “The staff weren’t having a
bar of it, and rightly so, but then she pulled out a file complete with
everything from her birth certificate to her concession card, Medicare details
and to top it off … a signed statutory declaration from the Ivanhoe Police
station!!!” By all accounts, Volume’s friendly and jovial door staff were so
taken aback by the level of detail that the new clubber had carried with her,
and so impressed by the high level of organisation and care that she had
demonstrated that not only did they let her in to enjoy Melbourne’s biggest club
night, they flicked her a few drink cards to congratulate her on her highly
conscientious and thoughtful behaviour. All’s well that end’s well … the new
Volume inductee was apparently still rocking with 50 of her friends at 3:30am,
so it’s looks like the statutory declaration and accordion file proving her age
will get another run in the weeks, months and years to come!! Now, THAT’S
dedication, people …!!
OCTOBER 15
Stalker’s Groove: Is That A Boiled Bunny In Your Handbag, Or Are
You Just Unhappy To See Me?
Eyewitnesses reported
early Sunday morning that one of Volume’s Main Room resident jock’s was more
than perturbed by the sudden and inexplicable apparition of one of his
ex-girlfriends in the writhing crowd. Sources close to the spinner told Volume
Control that the surprise visitor had been his partner for three years, ending
eight years ago in fiery circumstances. “Apparently she cheated on him and the
last thing he ever said to her was ‘you’re dead to me’ as he dumped a bunch of
her belongings on her middle-suburban nature strip!” said one of the informants.
“She’s obviously seen his name in Zebra and the like and decided to sneak in for
a sticky beak, and perhaps the one thing he never gave her: closure!”
Ex-girlfriends appearing at gigs to harass DJ’s is by no means a new phenomenon,
according to several of Volume’s residents. However, all agreed that Saturday
night’s incident was a particularly nasty and extreme case. So, did the jock in
question make contact with the bunny boiling face in the crowd? “Not at all, but
it did his head in!” a fellow resident reported confidently
OCTOBER 22
Homemade Bomb – Be
Alert, But Not Alarmed: It’s always a special moment when a DJ who is
dabbling in production builds up the courage to drop one if their choons on a
packed floor … well folks, those of you who were on the dance floor in the big
room a stroke or two after the hour of 5am were oblivious to the fact that you
were seeing this exciting moment first hand, as one of Volume’s smoothest
residents dropped his own home-made bomb on your unsuspecting asses. Random
surveys conducted by Volume Control work experience kids, moments after the
weapon was deployed, yielded highly positive feedback … “wicked”, “rocking”,
“sweet”, “boo yah”, and “is my hair okay?” all featured frequently in
participant responses.
OCTOBER 29
Level One | 680 Glenferrie Road Hawthorn | 3122 | 9818 0680
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